It has roughly been a year since I have been in reunion with my biological family. I begin a quest for truth. I sift through notes that I have written from stories my adoptive mom has shared, and bits of pieces I have learned from my biological siblings and extended family about my adoption. In my mind I could not help but be fueled by anger growing up. That anger was replaced with sadness for her once I matured enough to understand what life can do to people. As difficult as it to divulge these words, I remember my adoptive mom telling me that my birth mom refused to admit that I was her child once they tracked her down when they tried to get my birth mom to sign away her rights for them to proceed with my adoption. She did not want anything to do with me. That is what I was told from my adoptive mom. I am sure at the time that is how she felt and regrets it today. As I search for the truth, it was revealed that my birth mom came back for me. No matter how much grief she may have caused me by abandoning me, a huge part of my heart would run back into her arms if I could rewind time. She is my mom, and she will always be my mother. That does not mean I love my adoptive family any less. I am beyond blessed to have such an amazing adoptive mom. However, I cannot help but wonder what my life would have been like if I was raised by my birth mom. It hurts to see my birth mom have six other children, two older and four younger, and I am the only one that was placed for adoption.
As adoptees we fear the worst when begin our search. Two of our main concerns are to find out if we were truly loved and if our family is still alive. Unfortunately, my clock had been ticking. I have experienced loss since the day we reunited. I met my biological family while one of my younger brother’s was in a coma, praying for a miracle. I flew to meet my family preparing to see him for the first and last time. It only became worse from there. My other younger brother was murdered five months later. He was the one sibling I resembled most; he was my twin. I knew of him my entire life. Although he was killed, I still find myself searching for him as I had been searching for him my entire life.
As I struggle to build a relationship with the rest of my birth family, I am hurt and traumatized thinking I will lose another sibling after everything I have been through. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and been with my birth family since day one instead of living from home to home. As much as I love my adoptive family, a huge part of me wishes that my birth mom would have found me and took me with her. I had a mom all along that wanted to parent me. Whether she would make a great parent, I am not sure. I do not know what was going on in her life during that season; however, I wish more than anything that someone could have provided my birth mom with the resources to help her care for another child instead of her feeling like she had to abandon me. If my birth mom would have raised me I would not be suffering the way I am about the trauma and losses I have endured in just a years a time.
I am a Baby Veronica. I had someone. I had a birth mom that came back for me before my adoption was finalized, and could not find me, just as Baby Veronica has her father Dusten Brown that wants to love her and raise her. It is through my strength through God and forgiveness that I forgive my adoptive mom; even though she meant no harm she was simply protecting me. However, to all the Baby Veronicas and Dusten Browns in the world, we have lost so much because of adoption, and someone making a selfish decision to strip us away from our family. I cannot expect an adoptive parent to understand because they obviously are not ones being adopted; hence the fight and support adoptees have shown for Baby Veronica. We know. I only wish I could have been there from the start to be the light in my birth family. To be the prayer they needed to overcome.
Over 100,000 children in the foster care system are in search for a home. They are waiting for someone to love them. They are waiting on just one person they can call mom or dad. These are the children that need to be adopted, not the ones that have family already. If I were to take one positive lesson away from the Baby Veronica case, it is that an entire community came together as one to help raise a child, as it should be.